Last month the world was supposed to end. It didn’t, which was encouraging, but while we were all waiting for it to happen, I couldn’t help but think about zombies. I know, shocking. But hey, if I’m going to be a part of an apocalypse, I want it to be a good one. Anyway, while I was waiting for the zombies, I started wondering: Would life actually be better under a zombie regime?
Surprisingly, I found some good arguments for the answer being yes! If zombies rule the world, they might just be awesome! Here’s why:
1. You Always Know Where They Stand. Zombies are not wishy washy. They don’t talk (well, in most zombie-verses they don’t), let alone lie. If a zombie sees you and wants to eat you, then what you see is what you get. And after the past year of presidential campaigns and fiscal cliffs and other lying nastiness, that might be refreshing.
2. They Have Only One Agenda. This one also goes hand-in-hand with the first. You know what a zombie wants when it sees you? Brains. Yum. The end. They’re never going to pretend they want your brains and then steal your cat. So zombies… the monster you can trust!
3. We’ll All Lose Weight. Once the world goes to hell and we’re all running from zombies, there’s not going to be time to stop at McDonald’s for french fries. Eventually all the processed snacks are going to be gone and we’ll be left living off the land and working off the fat with cardio. It will be cardio based on fleeing for our lives, but it will be cardio nonetheless. I wonder what I’ll look like when I’m a size 2? I guess we’ll find out…
4. No More Pesky Worrying About Success. You know how you sit around wondering how and if you’ll ever hit the New York Times and stressing over why your last book didn’t do so well? Wait, that might not be you. Let me start over. You know how you worry about reviews and raises and getting a promotion at work? That will be over once the zombies are in control. Unless you get capture by the militants, then I guess there will still be ranks. But for the rest of us, our only two designations will be living and living dead. Easy, right?
5. One Word: Immortality. Okay, so let’s say the zombies are in control and the worst happens. You get bitten. Know what the result will be? Immortality!! You’ll be brainless and longing to eat your friends and family, but you’ll be immortal. So… trade off?
6. A Thinned Population Is Good For the Environment. Over-population and the destruction of our ecosystem is an issue. But once the zombies are in control, that’s done. A huge portion of the population wil be dead or living dead, but pretty quickly the forests and plains will retake the world. Polution will drop and endangered animals will come back. Probably a bunch of nuclear bombs and energy sources will explode eventually, but until that day? It’s going to be paradise.
7. No More Kardashians. I assume they won’t be eaten because the zombies want brains, not butts and boobs, but whatever happens to them, we won’t have to ever see them again. Or the Jersey Shore people. Or really any of the worst reality fame whores. I suppose that might make the entire apocalypse worthwhile.
What are you looking forward to in the apocalypse?