Top Ten Movie Titles that Should Have Been Zombie Movie Titles:
10. The Killing Fields
9. Death Proof
8. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
7. A Beautiful Mind
6. The Departed
5. The Man With Two Brains
4. Dead Man Walking
3. A Farewell to Arms
2. Remains of the Day
Top Ten Scariest Zombie Animals:
10. Squirrels – they always look like they’re plotting something, imagine if they were driven by a desire for brains.
9. Dogs – Um, we’ve all seen Resident Evil. Terrifying.
8. Mosquitoes – several of my friends on Facebook mentioned this and I’d never thought of it. But Oh. My. God. Bugs that you can hardly see spreading the zombie virus. Shit! Shit!!!!
7. Rats – they’re small, they’re everywhere and they have creepy, beady eyes.
6. Pigeons – see rats, add wings.
5. Elephants – they are as big as a house and can use their nose as a hand. Who wants to screw with that?
4. Grizzly bears – they’re already willing to eat you and your brains. Aren’t they already zombies? Discuss.
3. Baby bunnies – they look cute and harmless but then you pick one up and it eats your face.
2. Sharks – right now they might take a nibble and then move on when you don’t taste like a seal. But if they’re looking for brains? Yeah, human brains bigger than seals. Look it up.
1. Badger – these are already pretty angry, dangerous animals. Add zombie to the mix and it gets really ugly, really fast.
Top Ten Most Valuable Items in an Apocalypse:
10. Machete – good for slicing and dicing, whether that’s brambles or brains.
9. Power Bars – energy and nutrition in a bar form, what more do you need?
8. Antibiotic cream – who wants to survive the zombies only to be taken out by an ingrown toenail?
7. Reliable Transportation – if your 1984 Gremlin keeps breaking down on the zombie infested highways… you are screwed.
6. Chain saw – if it was good enough for Bruce Campbell. Also, you can use it to break down doors and stuff.
5. Canned food – a girl’s gotta eat.
4. A can opener – it sucks to have SPAM and not be able to access it. Or does it?
3. A beer supply, or failing that, a clean water supply– if there was ever a time to go for alcoholism, this is it.
2. Shotgun – the weapon of choice for serious zombie hunters.
1. A dependable partner – one who will kick your ass and remind you that you’re human.
Top Ten Celebrities I Wish I Could Zombie-fy:
10. Paris Hilton – although to be fair, she may already be a zombie.
9. Matthew McConaughey – okay, the pothead surfer dude zombie playing bongos on the beach? Priceless!!
8. All of the women of The View. At least if they were zombies, they would STOP TALKING.
7. That guy who invented Girls Gone Wild. Because… ew.
6. Gwyneth Paltrow – seriously, having a website where you tell everyone their lifestyle sucks doesn’t make me want to see your movies, it makes me want to zombie-fy you.
5. George Lucas – if only to put a stop to him ruining my favorite movies from my childhood.
4. Hugh Jackman – he would be cute as a zombie until he like lost an arm or an eye or something.
3. Bob Barker – this could significantly change the rules of The Price is Right and I would watch it religiously.
2. Kanye West – he’ll let you finish, but first he has to say he was the best zombie of the year.
1. Benicio Del Toro – He already mumbles like a zombie, it’s really only half a step.