The other day my husband and I were talking about zombies. Yeah, I know, big fucking shock. I’m sure if you hang around at this site for more than a day, you’ll start to see this is a pattern for me. We talk zombies quite a bit. That’s why he’s awesome (among other reasons).

Anyway, so we were talking about zombies and somehow ZombieBoy (which is henceforth how I will refer to him in blogs or ZB) ended up saying, “Well, it all depends on how you define a zombie.”

Wow, what a concept! I mean, what makes a zombie? So here’s what I came up with:

1. They’re dead. In some movies they rise from the grave, in others once a zombie kills them, they become a zombie. But dead is pretty much a constant. Except when it’s not.

2. They want your brains. Also your flesh. Bones. Whatever they can chew, really. And they don’t seem to be able to get enough, either. They could eat twenty people and still go after you if you happen to wander in. Which is why they’re different from other monsters who might just want to kill or destroy you. You are the zombie food supply.

3. They’re gross. Because the basic zombie is dead, they also rot. Which is both yucky and awesome. Their arms are falling off, their cheeks have holes in them, they smell and they’re sticky. Plus lots of them vomit sludge and have rotten blood all over them. See what I mean? GROSS.

4. They can’t and won’t stop. Vampires are a thinking monster. They have a choice in who they pursue and who they don’t. Werewolves are out of control when they turn, but without the full moon they’re normal. But zombies don’t have those abilities. They can’t stop. They can’t even WANT to think. And as far as not stopping go, they are the champs. You can blow their legs off and they’ll drag themselves toward you, still trying to get you. You can point a gun at their head and they won’t chill out. They don’t have a game plan except to just chase you until you fall down.

5. You can only kill them by destroying the head. I guess this is partly related to number four. You can hurt a zombie in a thousand ways, but until you disconnect their head from their body or blow their skull into a thousand smithereens, they are still going to come after you. They have a weakness, but it’s a very specific one.

So what do you think? What makes a zombie for you? And what variations on the zombie theme have you really loved?

I am married. I’ve actually been married for almost 14 years (since I was 9, thank you very much), but we were married in a very small ceremony and for several years I have toyed with the thought of maybe doing a vow renewal. I guess my friends know this (they have theories about whether I’m ACTUALLY married, but that’s another story) and lately everyone has been sending me helpful tips on the kind of wedding I should plan if I were to plan on now. So, I now present to you everything YOU would need to plan your own Big Fat Zombie Wedding (also a Big Fat Zombie Vowel Renewal):

The invitations:

It sets the tone and lets your humorless Aunt Helen start complaining about your lack of reverence from the moment she receives your invite. Maybe she’ll just send a card with her regrets… If not, eat her brains.

Location: Zombie Walk (any town USA)

Why a zombie walk? Well, they’re cool, there will be plenty of zombies to walk you down the aisle and even perform your ceremony. This image is from the Seattle PI’s coverage of the recent record-breaking zombie walk in the Fremont District of Seattle.

The Gown:
One of the easier parts of your zombie wedding ceremony. Take wedding gown, add blood, sludge and braaaaaains.

The reception:

We all know a wedding reception is really about the food. So make sure you have a zombie wedding cake and maybe some zombie jello for the kids.

So would you have a zombie wedding? And did I miss anything?

So since it became public knowledge that I had written a book about how a couple escaped the zombie apocalypse using marital advice, I’ve had numerous couples asking me, “How do I make MY marriage zombie proof?” **

I’ve come to realize that I may have valuable advice to offer, advice that could save a marriage and maybe even save a life. So I’m going to declare Wednesdays Ask Dr. Jesse* days.  Ask me your zombie marriage questions and I’ll be happy to try to give my advice on those sticky “We’re in a Zombie Apocalypse, but we’re just not seeing eye-to-eye” quandries that hit every couple at some point.

As here, ask on Twitter (with hashtag #zombietherapy) or ask on Facebook. I’m here to help. Or kill you with a shotgun if you’re already bitten.

*Jesse is not a doctor, nor is she qualified in any way.
**Actually, this is not true.

This video really gives a good base for zombie survival. Though… it doesn’t seem to end too well…

Zombies in Plain English

So you all love zombies (at least, I assume you do if you’re coming here and aren’t… like… my Mom who only likes zombies, but not like-likes them). And I love zombies (duh, writing zombie books). And I was thinking the other day about how the zombie-verse sort of has it’s own language. I guess that’s true in all “verses”. Vampires have their… sparkles or whatever. Werewolves must have some kind of language for their followers. Even Harry Potter has a thing going.

But I’m going to just come out and say, I think the language of zombies is the most fun.

Exhibit A: Fast-movers versus slow-movers. We all know what the difference is. In fact, you sit down with a group of zombie-lovers and you can have a three-hour debate on this topic alone. But what other genre can have that debate on a two-word phrase? Um, us becuase we are cool.

Exhibit B: Brains. Okay, we all know that what we really mean is brrrraaaaaains. BRAAAAAAINS!! Say that in a sort of moany voice and any zombie lover will immediate turn and smile at you. It’s like our own zombie calling card.

Exhibit C: Anything that starts with “Z”. Honestly, you can call zombies “Zed”, “Zero”, “Z”, “Zoro” and any other combination of any sound that starts with Z. We have our own letter, people. Z as in Zombie. We’re like Cookie Monster (C is for Cookie) only cooler and without the eating disorder.

Exhibit D: Zombie Walk. This new addition to the Zombie-verse is sweeping the country. Even my little town had a zombie walk a few months ago. It’s a recruitment tactic to our cause. Come on over, dress up like the undead… you know you want to. Do they have serial killer walks? No. I didn’t think so.

There are tons more, and I know you have opinions. So what is YOUR favorite vocabulary addition from the zombie-verse?

Today is a great day for horror fans. A day that makes us shiver and shudder in a most pleasant fashion. Today is… Friday the 13th (and also payday, but that’s another blog). And in the spirit of zombie Jason (what, he comes back to life and kills people, he’s at least PARTIALLY zombie), here are as few things this spooky day is good for:

• Avenging your son’s death — Did foolish, oversexed camp counselors let your son drown while they were foolish and oversexed? Well, today is a great day to get your revenge. Just be sure to dress us like said dead son (although much older) and wield your machete just right.

Driving a car – statistically speaking apparently you are less likely to be in a terrible, blinding car crash on Friday the 13th. Something about us all being freaked out so we drive more carefully. So go ahead — apply pedal to the metal! Everyone else will just get out of your way.

Slaughtering your enemies — Now you may think, hey Jesse, didn’t you cover this already in ”avenge your son’s death”? No! I did not. This is a broader sense of enemies, not so specific as Jason’s Mommy Dearest and the Camp Counselors. See, back in the way-back machine in good old 1307 King Philip secretly arranged the mass arrest (and in some cases, murder) of the Knight’s Templar because they were threatening his power. Threaten my power, will you? Watch out… it’s Friday the 13th and I will cut a bitch.

Buying MARRIED WITH ZOMBIES — Oh, come on! How could I resist? You see, Barnes and Noble online now lists MWZ as shipping within 24hrs from their website, which probably means some of their stores are also stocking the book. So get yourself geared up for a scare and buy my book. Or else I might sic Jason’s Mom on you.

Hi Zombie Minions!

Hopefully you’ve been running around the website, enjoying all the fun stuff we’ve updated here. But I want to make sure you don’t miss the best part: the Quiz!! Find out how long your relationship would survive in a zombie apocalypse and then share your results on Twitter or Facebook. Hey, this could come in handy (plus it’s hella fun).

And definitely let me know your results either here on the blog or by contacting me.